it's amazing what goes into the newspapers nowadays. you'd probably think there isn't anything else to read about other than the party that's going on in Iraq, but may i just wake you up a little.
part of my designation at work requires me to search the news for all things relevant under certain issues and archive them as part of research and editorial use. hence the birth of my reporter/researcher alter-ego. but in true slacker spirit i will inevitably, more often than not, stray away from the current task at hand and will somehow end up looking at irrelevant pages with catchy layouts and visually-stimulating images. full-spread Triumph lingerie advertisements being one of them, naturally.
but trust me. apart from veluptous full-bodied women blessed with killer curves and godsent rumps there are lots of other stuff you'd love to know.
it's all in their right places but somehow i am that much terror than you to have discovered them first.
therefore, because i deal with useless-but-confidential information almost everyday now, i take it upon myself to bring you the latest and greatest from around the planet. and so from today onwards there will be another segment to keep up with besides The Amazing Adventures of Fai the Pseudo-Eskimo Office Boy.
i shall call it From the Fantastic Archives of Fai the Pseudo-Eskimo Researcher.
(there is no charge whatsoever but, if you must insist, i do accept private donations/personal appraisals/gifts of gratitude for making you ignorant mongrels a tad bit wiser.)
lookie wot i found.
FROM THE FANTASTIC ARCHIVES OF FAI THE PSEUDO-ESKIMO RESEARCHER!
Sensational News #1:
Salesman Jailed For Kicking Customer
"A household accessories salesman turned violent against a customer who had complained about not getting the item he had ordered.
Growing agitated after Mr Ricky Yeo asked to see his boss, salesman Lim Chong Yew kicked his customer in the thigh and also threatened him with two shower heads.
Yesterday, Lim, 32, was jailed for six weeks for criminal intimidation and causing hurt."
~ Pg. H3, The Straits Times, Thursday, November 25th 2004.
shower heads lah, fuck.
bedroom*hair @ 1:26 pm
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a big part of me died that night.
it went away and never came back.
you were everything.
but this is what i've become.
bedroom*hair @ 3:44 am
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and that is why i am no longer parading around the office wearing 3 pieces of clothing looking like kennY from SouthPark. it seems i have grown accustomed to the climate of the igloo over the past weeks. either that or i have literally grown thick-skinned.
oh by the way. i have found a new best friend.
his name is mR.*magiC.
he is the office coffee machine.
don't ever under-estimate the potency of mR.*magiC. he might have a rather unattractive model name and a somewhat streamlined exterior, but i'd have you know that he is one unforgiving mofo.
i give you two cups max before you start raving.
lately a series of subtle events happening in and around the office has somehow answered my question to why people would actually coop themselves in the same boring cubicle doing the same boring work in the same boring line for donkey years. one of them happens to be my dearest motheR*superioR, mind you.
i have concluded that it is not the work that keep these boring office types on track to a Long Service Award. it's the things around the work.
invisible to the naked eye are the funny little things that has subconciously made my days at the office a silent laugh fest. you have no idea just how hard it is to keep a straight face when you see the things i see.
so from today onwards, because i just love to skive off my assigned work, i shall chronicle all that is worthy.
i shall call it The Exciting Adventures of Fai the Pseudo Eskimo Office Boy.
this should keep me awake.
besides mR.*magiC, of course.
bedroom*hair @ 3:07 pm
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the highlight of the movie showed a man being chased by a mob of angry, sweaty village men all clad in white buttoned folded shirts and matching sarongs all ready to kill him with spears, dagger, iron rods and other what-have-yous. just like any other last action hero, this superhuman mama fought off the whole charging army by himself. maintaining the fold of his white sarong, the brother was kicking open zinc roofs, jumping down from a five-storey building, climbing trees and breaking down doors.
all this with a knife poking out of his back.
respect.
bedroom*hair @ 10:05 pm
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it's been three straight days now that i've slept for a total of only 8 hours. the last time i had to whine about the lack of sleep was during final assessment week. this is about the same kind of hell but without the stress. and art materials. yes it's the case of late nights on the Net. i wonder how much more rejuvenated i'd be if i didn't have a computer at my disposal.
i am struggling to keep my eyes open with the help of coffee but just who am i kidding. yes yes i should've known better. but anyone in my position would blame the trinity of Myspace.com, MSN and FIFA2005 for their inconvenience.
but in the chaos of trying to stay awake i have found my snakebite.
hate mail.
oh you have no idea what repressed disgust can do to your senses.
bedroom*hair @ 11:13 am
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Happy Grandparent's Day to you then.
they gave away free postcards at the office today. ones with kids' drawings on them. kinda like how i used to draw when i was small. only difference is that i drew them uglier. and so i got a postcard for grandmA*funK. it just needs to be written. i am thinking 'I LOVE U NENEK' would suffice.
i am anticipating a series of cartwheels from the old lady when she gets this.
bedroom*hair @ 5:29 pm
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and with that my hypnotic journey to the subconscious realm was rudely interrupted. whatever it was, the stimulating mental image of a bedsheet-clad miss denisE*kelleR had to wait.
i can't remember the last time i had a fire drill. no, wait. Secondary 2. yes that's it. that was fun. and boys being boys we'd take the opportunity to run riot and create an emergency drill of our own. without any safety procedures whatsoever.
but the scene today was tenfold more organised and systematic, obviously. and these office people do it dead on automatica. it's as if all they do is vacate burning buildings when they are not busy with work. the parking lot where we all gathered to do a staff count inevitably turned into a social lounge. under the sun with no roof and asphalt for floor. there it struck me just how ugly, pale and repressed office life can make you look. and bland as well.
i was trying my best to comprehend the latest and trendiest in dull officewear fashion when i suddenly thought of random worst-case senarios if there was a real fire. it would be a real downer if you get stuck in the lift with a foul-smelling big fat delivery guy. and imagine what's left of your dignity if you get stranded in the copier room while having an in-out with one of the secretaries.
but of all the scenes that ran through my head i left out the most probable one. i was in the male toilet washing my hands shortly after the drill and a man conveniently came out of a faeces-stenched cubicle just behind me and casually asked what was the commotion outside all about.
at that very moment i stopped to wonder exactly how firefighters would react if they were to have found this imbecile's charred body with his pants down.
with shit halfway out.
bedroom*hair @ 10:25 am
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i am now in the office munching away kaK*hawA's insanely wikked chocolate chips cookies. it is by far the most chocolatey thing i've put in my mouth since Raya. before this it was a whole slab of papaya followed by a handful of kuihs she brought along as well. point is it's barely 3 hours since i had my full lunch. and i'm already thinking of dinner. how lovely.
sudden thoughts of jetting off to foreign land had once again interrupted my concentration and now i cannot be arsed to complete this editorial piece which i am obliged to finish before my day is done. over the weekend i found out that it only costs about $40 for a return trip to KL by AirAsia. whether or not i have been lied to my imagination has already ran riot and my mind has left the building. i am so flying to KL.
the rain has stopped. what lovely weather to play hockey.
HEH.
bedroom*hair @ 4:04 pm
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i have a pair of tees on hold at a shop in City Hall and i will castrate the dude if he sells them off. i haven't bought anything for myself in at least 8 months so now is not exactly the best time to piss me off.
bedroom*hair @ 5:01 pm
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and i learned that getting back to work after a full plate is not the best thing any office person should experience. and so to keep myself awake i pressed 'extra strong' on the coffee machine.
i might as well join a rave party.
the caffeine kicked in so bad i was fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting.
i had to go to the loo 3 times. hence the cleaning lady thought something was fishy when everytime she knocked on the handicap toilet door a male voice shouts out 'ah'. and when i got out she gave me a look. by far the most grumpiest showcase of saggy facial skin i've seen this year.
she is grumpy. grumpy and evil i tell you.
i shall call her grumpY*toileT*ladY from now.
bedroom*hair @ 4:31 pm
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why are u so nice to me?
because i love you and because i really care about you, that's why.
because if you were hurt once, i would want to heal you and take care of you.
because if you're empty, i would fill the void and make you happy.
because if you're alone, i would be by your side and keep you company.
because if you cry, i will cry with you.
because because because.
i read this from somewhere today. and i teared.
bedroom*hair @ 1:52 am
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to me.
the early morning Hari Raya prayer event made me a solemn boy for a good part of the a.m., making me reflect on the whole year and all the naughty little things that made me the naughty little boy that i am now. it's been a while since i had a good backtrip.
i tried on my baju kurung today. stupid baggy pants. i look like MC Hammer.
i am curious to see how the whole family is doing and just what sort of comedy they will each present this year. every year is a laugh fest when the whole jingbang gets together. not because we are all closet comedians but because that seems to be the only thing we are capable of whenever there is a family gathering.
i anticipate random talks of house prices, Malaysia, diet vitamin pills, fishing, handphones and the current who's who in football.
at that point of time i shall be entertaining my ketupats.
bedroom*hair @ 3:03 pm
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finally.
my metabolism has always been a problem. and needless to say fasting for a month did nothing to make me look healthier/meatier/human. i am now the epitome of waif.
but surprisingly i had gone on a number of food escapades over the past week alone. stuffings that i could have treated myself to on normal days but was just too lazy or broke.
i had all these. in about a week.
dark, milk and white chocolate on the side. bananas, strawberries, marshmellows and banana bread in your face. fondue @ maxbrenner. proven aphrodisiac.
foreground: my caramel banana crepes with custard, chocolate drizzle and chocolate ice-cream. background: nanA's warm bread&butter pudding with vanilla sauce. @ marche. yes, we went apeshit.
the parmesan southwest steak&cheese footlong can really screw with your head. i was living proof.
if i had this sort of appetite before i would be oh so happy.
bedroom*hair @ 11:40 pm
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15 years later and here i am at home on a Saturday with no plans.
God is great.
bedroom*hair @ 4:53 pm
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as if wearing almost three layers of clothing in the office everyday isn't enough, i am now the proud owner of semi-chapped lips. it's so goddamn cold i feel like i'm on foreign attachment in Iceland. they might as well shift us all into a meat freezer and save the trouble on decor. i spend more time with the hand dryer in the men's room than socializing with my colleagues. i am currently thinking of investing on winter wear. probably a puffy winter jacket, a thick scarf, a snowcap, snow boots and a pair of mittens. but i reckon i won't get past security. even if i do, i can imagine the stares i'd get in the lift every morning.
and it seems the cold conditions has escalated my tendency to mentally stray away from completing my work. everytime i look out the surrounding glass panels i'd look at the blue sky and fantasize about flying off for a week-long holiday. blue skies before the thunderstorm that comes after 2p.m., that is. and it has come to a point where i think more of airports than my research data. random images of sunny beaches, shopping, local novelties and stewardesses would follow suit. and for some strange reason there would be this Hawaiian guitar tune in my head.
i need to get out of here.
bedroom*hair @ 5:45 am
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i have a backache. and a neckache. i feel so lethargik i'm having fantasies of getting a backrub from Miss Alea already. and yesterday was only the first day of work. i dread to think of what physical inconvenience i will acquire after work today. eye cramps maybe.
took an I.C. photo last night for my temporary pass for work. stupid phtographer uncle told me not to squint when i wasn't even doing anything and now i look like a gecko. a brown one.
God i really need that backrub.
bedroom*hair @ 6:05 am
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six hours of pure shelving. it's no wonder i still see alphabets and decimals.
i've got a bitch of a headache and my eyelids weigh a ton. each.
i wonder how my mum does it. and it's been 24 years for her, mind you.
urgh.
bedroom*hair @ 9:18 pm
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two days spent with my closest mates was exactly what i needed. i can't remember the last time i had dinner with that many friends. Geylang was a moshpit on Saturday, in pale comparison to the first visit on Wednesday. and it nearly took the life out of achaK. heh. Shark Tale was such a riot. it's one of those movies that you just have to see twice. and i plan to watch it again with a bunch of idiot friends so i can soak up the comedy one more time. nanA was in stitches throughout the show. as with some bald dude who was sitting alone next to me. look out for the two Rasta jellyfish. respeckt, mannn.
thank you for the nice dinner, nanA. i really appreciate it.
met mokeS yesterday for dinner as well. it's been ages since i saw the boy. had talks of his future plans and other things we missed out on. okay that just sounded very gay of me. either ways i missed his antics. i swear his chest hair is getting way out of hand.
oh. my bro got me a pair of slippers. now i can go down to the shops on a rainy day and not worry about losing balance.
anyways,
thank you all for making my birthday weekend a really warm one. and for all the well wishes, be it through SMS, a call, myspace.com or in person. it only comes once a year and it's guys like you who make growing older a little less painful to deal with.
thank you.
and now if you would excuse me i've got 2,000 books to deal with at my new office.
yes, work starts in about an hour.
bedroom*hair @ 7:53 am
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Special big-ass thank you to nanA for giving this blog its much-needed facelift.
You deserve a medal for this. And teh peng as well. Thank you.