the.bedroom.show

back.from.the.dead

2005-06-29T09:30:00.000+08:00

hey waddya know... 3 months later and i'm back from the dead.

damn.

that's a long time.

(actually i just dropped by just to tell ya'll that this space is gonna go through a revamp. enough pink for now. so no further entries whatsoever for a while. not that it makes much of a difference anyways.)

[ say.cheese ]

2005-03-25T07:33:00.000+08:00

there's a good reason why my smiles stay on longer nowadays.

[ like.father.like.daughter ]

2005-03-24T01:05:00.000+08:00

i think we as humans can never fully appreciate the significance and worth of the people around us until they cease to exist one fine day.

today i caught a glimpse of the indefinite love of a father who had just been reunited with his only child, a young daughter who bears parallels to her old man. what started out as an awkward arrangement eventually became a sweet, warm moment. one moment i'm sure they'd remember for a long time.

like they say.

love lost is the one love that will always remain in our hearts.

[ mad.hatting ]

2005-03-15T05:33:00.000+08:00

i was gonna blog about the past few days and how i've gone through backtrips and transitions of sorts, but i am too stunned to do anything right now. like, anything.

'cos i just clinched a role in an independent short film with a production crew in KL.

details later. now please excuse me while i cartwheel around the house and wake up the neighbours.

[ oh.miss.keller ]

2005-03-08T00:56:00.000+08:00

i am one happy boy.

i just saw this year's official FHM calendar 2005 and finally things are going my way. i can't remember the last time i bought a copy, but i'll have you know, that as a brother in the Circle of Manhood, i am proud to say that i've never missed the Annual Calendar issue. so as curiosity may have it, i am always looking forward to uncovering Miss October. and because curiosity had me again this year, i flipped through to the tenth month of the dozen.

lo and behold, there she was.

the reason i am still breathing.

the reason i am still living.

the reason i am still single. heh.

my October girl.

Miss Denise Keller.

have you ever had a heart-attack? neither have i. but i'm sure as hell it felt that close.

oh misS*kelleR.

[ apple.of.my.ear ]

2005-03-07T05:11:00.000+08:00

it just doesn't stop, does it?

i was gonna write another angst-ridden entry about another juice monger who deserves a back-hand bitch-slap and a dropkick to the face, but a certain miss fionA*appLE soothed me and stopped me just in time.

how ironic.

and how captivating were the lyrics of the song, her rendition of Across The Universe by The Beatles. i had a look at the lyrics and it's pretty trippy, alright. with a sweet chorus that can soothe any savage beast. in this case myself. and when you have a voice like miss*appLE's serenaiding you, you'll know just how soft your soft spots really are. i've never really taken a good look her at before, and now i must say that she has the deepest eyes i've seen in quite a while. there's just something about these women singers that make you wanna look at their faces all day. and it's always in the eyes. fucking beautiful, the whole lot. fionA*appLE, tori*amoS, pJ*harveY, ani*deFrancO, suzannE*vegA, saraH*mcLachlaN, deloreS*o'riordaN and some others at the back of my mind.

dammit i need someone to sing to me right now.

fuckkk.

[ are.you.ready.to.rrrrrrrumble ]

2005-03-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

i just saw a mat and a minah quarelling downstairs. slaps, kicks and all. the shouts and profanities were so enticing from my 13th storey i had to go down to the first to catch the action 'live'.

it was better than watching Royal Rumble, i tell you.

thank you guys. now i can do my work.

[ muthafucking.random ]

2005-03-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling random again. yay.

if only we were already a tight-sounding bunch yesterday's double extravaganza would have been the shit. but sadly we had to turn down two invites to have our debut gig. yes. two in one day. the first one was for a hair show event for Toni&Guy in late April and the other being the main act at a club's grand opening in a few weeks' time.

yes. how unfortunate.

but fuck it. if we were to rush into this, FrontlineSoundsystem would get off to a bad start and spoil everything. no way are we having that. so it's decided, everything will kick off in May. or June. even if we can't play here then, at least we've got the probability of playing up north. where the kids are alright.

i wish my hair can grow a little faster. i need a long fringe. come on guys. you can do it.

tomorrow i will be meeting up with an old friend. well she's not really old but it's been ages since i last saw her. and joining us would be another dear friend. a certain bandmate, that is. three's a crowd, i know. but i'm sure it won't be such a bad thing if i excuse myself and take a long time in the toilet or walk alone infront or disappear for a bit or something. and on top of that you may never know just when my phone will ring and suddenly i'm needed elsewhere. heh.

speaking of tomorrow, i just received a call from an old classmate who is in Singapore to visit his family. he's based in Australia and he's probably the only skoolmate i know whose features never changed. bumped into him at MadMonks last weekend and it felt so damn good to see him again. i haven't seen him for eons and the last time we met was when i was still a teenager and he a goth rocker, face paint and all. one hell of a fruity kid, that boy. ever since i got to know him in Primary 1. bloody hell that's 17 years ago. i think of all the weird asses i've met in my life he has got to be the most lovable colourful bastard ever. ever. and he's still fucking colourful even without his face paint, up till today. our small chat last weekend backed up my impression. he's got a band here and tomorrow night would be their final gig at the pub before he flies back on Saturday. i reckon a round with him would be nice.

i have a deadline in about 13 hours' time and i haven't started shit. someone please call Singapore Casket.

today i realised just how dangerous some associations can be. especially when you have the sort who can't help but poke their noses right into your butt. metaphorically. and when you turn your back, albeit just for a little while, you get fucked up the arse with their twisted words and blunt assumptions. again, metaphorically. i hate giving out angsty vibes on this pretty pink page, but i know just how busybody some people can get.

so.

screw you, you little shit. to think that we were chummy. to think that i had the impression that you were a good person. i don't indulge in your kind of foul play, but if what i heard is true, you must be the most fucked-up two-faced cunt i've met so far this year. oh yes i meet a number of your kind every now and then. which is why i am repulsed at myself for not detecting the smell of residual shit coming out of your trashy mouth whenever we crossed paths. i guess you cleaned up your image real well before i got to know. too bad you didn't do a good job.

come, come.

i'll show you how to pretend.

i'll show you how to act.

i'll show you how it's done.

once i'm through with you, you won't have a fucking clue how big a joke you've become.

muthafucking cunt.

[ back.from.the.dead ]

2005-03-01T17:11:00.000+08:00

i am stumped.

i'd like to think it was something else, but a miracle is still a miracle.

last two Decembers rosS went up to Phi Phi Island for a holiday. i have no idea how the association was made, but he got to know a guy working in a snorkel & surf shop on the neighbouring Lantar Beach. the dude's name is amaN and after an exchange of words they got round to talking about music.

now the thing about rosS is that he gets the best contacts in the weirdest places, time and settings. be it online or in the flesh, he gets to meet people who have contacts or who are quite a big deal themselves.

so it was no surprise that this dude just happens to be the brother of an organiser for the Pattaya Music Festival.

like i said. best contacts, weird places.

so the long and the short of it is that amaN wanted to help FrontlineSoundsystem a place to play in the festival itself, but the anticipation for this April's event was cut short when the tsunami disaster happened. a check with rosS confirmed that the Lantar Beach area where amaN's shop stood was badly hit. bloody hell it was facing the ocean, for crying out loud. and so we were in shock for quite a bit and honestly, there wasn't much to hope for. what are the chances. imagine drowning in your own small snorkel shop, with the snorkelling equipments whirling and floating around you. the irony. the news definitely hit the both of us, not only because we thought we missed the chance to get a place in the festival, but also because he was a willing friend who wanted to help us. and since then whenever the Pattaya Music Festival topic came up, all i could ever said was, "i hope the dude got sick of the beach and went away for a holiday". rosS sent out e-mails to amaN to ask if he was alright, but he didn't receive any reply at all. for a good two months he sent different mails. but still no response. still no sign he was still alive.

until yesterday, that is.

i woke up real early this morning to find 4 messages from rosS, the first one being:

"PATTAYA MUSIC FESTIVAL IS BACK ONLINE, SISTERS!!! AMAN IS ALIVE!!"

bloody hell, i thought.

it is a fucking miracle.

i got off the phone with rosS just a while ago and he said he received a mail from amaN yesterday. the dude is alive. details on how he's still breathing is still hazy but thank God he's still alive. not to sound insensitive to amaN's current predicament, what with his shop destroyed and all that, but he actually said that he'd still love to get us hooked for the festival.

so.

watch this space.

[ should.i.keep.going? ]

2005-02-28T19:19:00.000+08:00

it's amazing how i can still keep myself in one piece in time for skool with all that partying, socializing and firing up.

if i keep this up any longer i'll end up being a case study.

[ round.it.up, feb ]

2005-02-25T14:33:00.000+08:00

this is gonna be a very random entry. because i am very bored right now.

i hope i don't sound too metrosexual, but i just dig the feel of new clothes. but then again who doesn't. i just bought a tee yesterday and i am now typing in it. i must say i am turning out to be quite a tart nowadays.

this Sunday nazarK will be performing at the Substation, and i cannot wait to see the boys in action again. the last time they had a gig we had to travel up north to JB. but that was many months ago. they're gonna be doing two new songs so naturally i am so looking forward to sit through the whole set.

speaking of which, i realised achaK is getting contagiously funny in a repulsive way of late. yesterday i asked him if he has ever seen a rat get rolled under a vehicle and he said he just saw one in an ICU ward the other day.

i have a pencil on my right ear. i have no idea why.

i am anxious for a photoshoot later. a friend's assignment, actually. and since we have to bring our own clothes i am left with the daunting task of picking my wardrobe. how exciting.

jamaican vibes ringing in my ears now. but that will be taken care of soon enough.

fresh laundry smell is the shit.

had a long convo with a friend last night, and i must say there's a very good reason why i am still single. it's amazing just how trivial some arguments can be. and how ridiculously easy paranoia can just settle in. i've been there, so i should know.

February is the month of love, they say. but for the millionth time it has proven itself to be a fucked-up month. a very fucked-up month. but the end's near, so i guess a few more days won't kill me.

i am very very very very very very excited about the compilation album that we'd be doing with four other bands in the coming months. it will be a mixed genre release and FrontlineSoundsystem will be chipping in two tracks. we've got one already sorted and the other one on the way. it'd most likely have an industrial sound to it and it'd feature ishmaeL from PublicEyes. so that's two madcappers on one track. lovely. i hope the beat boys get round to it soon.

shit. look at the time. and i've been told to come right on time for the photoshoot.

but i guess i'm gonna be late.

fashionably late.

heh.

ok that was bad. sorry.

[ this.is.a.full.frontal.assault ]

2005-02-21T16:42:00.000+08:00

stories, stories, stories.

beef, beef, beef.

this has got to be the best lesson in human relations.

i was looking forward to a night of bodyrock on Saturday but all i got was bad publicity. i know i've always liked talkshows but i never said i wanted to be a topic of discussion myself. Saturday Night Live meets Jerry Springer. all the essence of a good primetime drama with a cast of sorts.

speaking of which.

(ready?)

drunk girls should just shut the fuck up and go face a wall in one corner, let alone getting involved in people's affairs. i'd like to give you a piece of my mind and tell you how fucking ridiculous and stupid you were, but that would just cramp my style. let's not forget how you looked like, either. and what kind of a fucking fake accent was that anyway. yes, you. i am directing this towards you. the one who couldn't control her mouth but had the balls to push it. just you alone.

since when did you become a spokesman?

uh oh. LaserMouth Fai v5.0 activated.

you listen here. and you better listen good.

i have no time for childish debates or petty arguments. and this is definitely not gonna evolve into a blog war. not by my standards, at least. i am gonna give you the lowdown just this once and you better fucking read this through thoroughly. and i mean thoroughly.

it appears to me that you have no fucking idea what is going on and you obviously don't have the full story or even the decency to go find out. but then again, like as if it's any of your business. don't get me wrong, now. i don't blame you for reacting the way you did. it's all in the name of being a good friend, innit? granted. i'd have done the same thing, actually.

but here's what separates me from you.

at least i have the decency to be diplomatic about my opinions and not get into people's faces, at least not under the influence of alcohol. how bloody convenient. if i didn't know better i'd have thought you were on something else. 'cos you were so dodgy. so fucking dodgy. did you know you were spewing out rosy, flowery, pseudo-angelic words in your drunken state? while trying to brain-wash a stranger by using soft intonations? what's up with that? taking a low blow by trying to say shit behind my back. literally. which school of ethics did you come from? that's right. you can't fucking remember. and i can bet my ass you're telling yourself right now that it didn't happen. that's right. tell yourself you weren't all that dramatic that night to two strangers who don't even see your fucking point or share your point of view. you might as well. 'cos i wouldn't wanna have to deal with such embarrassment if i were you.

and to top it all off you had a fucking leaf in your hair while you were talking.

jezzuz.

just how stupid you feel right i will never know.

but you make for mediocre budget comedy.

'cos the fact of the matter is that people around you that night were aware of the fiasco and just how you wack you were. and lo and behold, the next day most of my friends were asking what your problem was. indirectly you became a topic of discussion. just how do you do it, i don't know. but it sucks when you have to grow an extra inch of skin, doesn't it? good luck to you on your next visit to Jiak Kim Street.

and my, my. you had the cheek to dispense baseless information just because a situation was at hand. i bet you felt really good telling people i score girls for kicks. a long line of girls, i heard. however it felt for you, i hope you realise just how fucking hypocrytical you really are when you recap not too long ago and think of me as a real person. helping you out when you yourself were pissed drunk (again). "Thank you, Fai. I really appreciate you sending us home...."

screw you, drunk twat.

now to the other, more important person.

you.

you know just how bad this has become. you think i'm saying all this just for the fun of it? you think i like dissing people off publicly, subsequently making them feel lousy about themselves? don't blame me for this. your friend just had to push my buttons. and you of all people should know just how volatile i can get when people poke their noses into my private life. i am not blaming you for not warning them earlier how dangerous it is to come messing around, but she could have just shut her trap and not piss the shit out of me. don't get me wrong. i do see your point. and i know how shitty it feels. but it's not gonna help anything if things were to just carry on like this. already i can hear calls for my head in the stands.

but funny how familiar those voices sound, though.

i think you've had your fair share of stories. and the last thing you need is for the dearest close to you to be affected by them. i know you've been there. i just hope you still remember how utterly disgusting it is when people say shit and not have anything to back it up with.

oh. speaking of which. again.

it has come to my attention that someone in your circle is doing a papparazi and has been busy, well, publicising my name in the most unflattering fashion.

and now you find yourself in a fix.

to believe or not to believe. it's either the loyal friends who would protect you to death or the boy who has his reasons for leaving. whatever it is, i hope you think about it and use your logic. but if you do choose to believe the hype and listen to the stories, i would like to say a very big thank you to whoever it is that has put me in front of a firing squad. kudos. whoever you are, your stories worked well and i will forever go down in history as the Promiscuous Bastard of the Year. gossip folks. gotta love them.

did you say your friends weren't thinking straight? i say they still aren't.

don't make me look at this whole fiasco as a juvenile episode. you know their mentality differs from yours and you'd just short change yourself if ever you believe what you hear.

but then again.

who am i to ask for anything.

[ LMF ]

2005-02-16T22:14:00.000+08:00

i am on overdrive.

and this is history repeating itself.

four major projects, 2 deadlines.

no extension.

but it will be done.

it shall be completed in time.

cos i am an LMF.

[ a.well.wish ]

2005-02-14T03:13:00.000+08:00

although i am the emotional equivalent of a block of ice.....

..... Happy Valentine's Day to you, too.

[ change.the.frequency ]

2005-02-03T21:37:00.000+08:00

never doubt what was written in the stars.

i am still trying to figure out the reason for the sudden change of mood, right from the start of the day. i swear to God i was the world's most mentally disturbed person yesterday. but it seems the world decided to rotate in the opposite direction from the moment i opened my eyes. literally. i'd like to know why, but i guess i should just be happy and keep my trap shut.

one of the joys of today was the return of my keyboard. yes, my keyboard. it went on strike for the past few days but now order has been restored, thanks to some miracle. at least now i don't have to wait 4 seconds for a letter to appear.

today was the first time i step foot in an ortho lab, and i must say i've been taking my limbs for granted. there were old people doing basic leg exercises that seem like child's play but i bet it was probably very painful for those lot. it was a little hard to believe that my friend had trouble with her crutches just yesterday. but she aced it like a pro this time round and she was all smiles by the time her therapy was done.

:)

have i ever mentioned i like hospitals? i like hospitals. and the many ways you can get lost just by trying to find the cafeteria.

i've got a deadline tomorrow that was meant to be met last week but i believe that the spirit of the Last Minute Fighter in me will be my saving grace tonight. it looks like i shall be seeing sunrise in about 9 hours' time.

i do believe that my English is getting bad to badder.

ok that was bad. sorry.

although nothing is for certain now, i just want you to know that i thought alot about you today. and it made me smile. you don't know it. but you make me feel all warm.

i hope it gets better.

[ calling.all.logic ]

2005-02-02T17:20:00.000+08:00

i'm sure there's a good logic to all of this madness.

and for the realist that i am, i shall take it in my stride. so fuck all the horoscopes. they don't seem to hold truth to their print anymore. i survived a really, really difficult depression a year ago and i sure as hell am not gonna cave in just because circumstances dictate the current situation.

it's not you.

i'm just not enjoying this phase right now.

[ whose.line.is.it.anyway? ]

2005-02-02T16:34:00.000+08:00

didn't sleep the whole night.
woke up 10 mins before the start of my class.
took a cab down to skool to maintain a 5-week straight run of taxi rides.
brought 2 thick textbooks the size of the yellow pages.
spent an hour gathering research for the lesson.

and all i did today was draw a line.

one 30cm line.

out of 5 hours of skool.

i need a shrink.

[ come.back ]

2005-02-02T12:45:00.000+08:00

this is it. this has to be it.

my head is officially caught in an unprecedented mess, my insides has developed a habit of detaching itself, my conscience has lost all respect for priorities and i find myself close to tearing everytime i think of her.

i have a whole week's worth of assignments i haven't touched, a band to sort out by next week and a girl whom i'll miss so much.

one would say that i brought all this upon myself. true. but i have to say i've never wanted anyone to suffer. anyone. and that includes my own self. you might not see just what is happening and it is the most shittiest feeling ever in the history of communication that i can't tell you how i feel. and so you'd never know.

i need to get away from all of you happy people.
i need to be alone for a long while.
i need to stop wishing it wasn't like this.
i need to stop hoping for an angel to descend.
i need to find the pieces that were missing.
i need to start telling myself it's gonna be okay.
i need to stop crying in the middle of dinner.
i need to put aside that Kodak moment of you and i.
i need to introduce my head to a wall.
i need to stop listening to Gravity and wish i was in the video.
i need to buy me a new life.
i need to make the tingles last.
i need to learn how to smile again.

i need love to come back.

i really need love to come back.

[ how.tragic ]

2005-01-29T09:02:00.000+08:00

i need to know why is it that i walk around with such a hollow space inside and can still afford to give away smiles and laughter as if they were genuine.

this is a very shitty feeling.

[ patch.her.up.please ]

2005-01-27T10:20:00.000+08:00

besides living in an airport, i wouldn't mind residing in a hospital. for a few days at least.

visited a friend in hospital yesterday. the poor girl had her whole right leg up to her knee in thick bandage. with a scaffold of a metal support sticking out of her limb. and i still get people asking me why i'm not into bikes. but it was really nice to see her again, even in the least preferred setting. there she was surrounded by all of her close friends and relatives, looking all sedated and understandably tired. it made me wonder if i'd have the same kind of turnout if ever a taxi were to kiss my right leg. it was emotional for her at first but i guess good humour got the better of her. she's recovering well and i'm probably gonna visit her again.

you recover soon, yes?

[ change.are.gonna.come ]

2005-01-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

change is in the air.

big time.

today is probably the most revolutionary day since God knows when. almost everything i heard today points to a positive outlook. with the inclusion of a new member into the band and another goldmine waiting in the wings, new objectives and direction have been injected into the new order. and this time we're not gonna sit on our laurels and waste another year and a half. enough. i say it's about time.

fulfilment would describe the order of the day. and if things continue to fall from the sky into respective laps it'd be a bloody good year.

so hello joshuA, hello FrontlineSoundsystem, hello 2005.

to jA and rosS, i think i speak for everyone when i say you guys were never really going anywhere without each other.

great things are finally on their way.

i just hope i'd find that one last piece to make it complete.

[ reinitialize.sequence ]

2005-01-24T19:20:00.000+08:00

goodness.

how long has it been.

i might as well wait another 3 days to make it a month since my last entry. anyways it's good to be back. it's been a really really good month, yes.

and dammit it felt so good to play.

i reckon i'd have the will to recap the past month on another day but for now i can't be arsed. too many people. too many stories. too much fun.

but the highlight of the hiatus would be the new found liason with the KL kids. nice warm bunch, the whole lot. fucking love every single one of them. especially zamiR. didn't expect him to be so nice as to worry about my well-being during my stay. that's why i went back up again just last week.

thank you for being the best host anyone could ask for, zamiR. come April it'd be my turn.

however the first visit was undoubtedly more fun, though. stayed in KL for about 3 days before going on a road trip with the boys for their gig in Kelantan.

yes. Kelantan.

to save breath, it was the best trip ever. ever. the gig was held at some kinda resort near the beach, and so we had our fun with the digicam. thank you, nanA. i reckon it'd be such a bore without the brilliant pictures. and yes they were really brilliant. i will post them up when i find my willpower one of these days.

i miss them already.

thank you, boys. for making me feel at home. for all the laughs. for everything.

but skool just had to end my roll. it's only been 4 weeks and already i am hoping to see the end of Foundation Studies. ptooi.

fuck.

thinking about skool just made me lazy to finish this entry proper.

fuck.

come to think of it, there's 9 more weeks of skool. dammit. but what the hell. it's not as if i haven't gone through the madness.

at least i've got you to think about.

[ igloo.over ]

2004-12-27T17:30:00.000+08:00

finally the igloo days are over.

no more amazing pseudo-eskimo-office-boy adventures, no more stuff from the archives of the pseudo-eskimo-office-boy, no more duels with grumpy toilet ladies.

but they will be missed.

now it's time to play.

[ still.not.learning ]

2004-12-21T13:13:00.000+08:00

i never learn.

i never ever ever ever ever ever ever learn.

i could have slept early last night, as with any other night, but no. Fulham went into the finals of a Customised Tournament and at the end of it i ended up spending 2 hours in total banging on my FIFA2005 when i could have had that much more time in slumber. at least i won though.

but that's not the point.

because of my stupidity i now find myself drooling on my keyboard, swaying subconsciously toward the monitor and having a gaping mouth from time to time.

[ straighten.your.face ]

2004-12-20T16:39:00.000+08:00

you have absolutely no idea how impossible it is to keep a straight face and to control yourself from bursting into laughter while doing your data work when all that's in your head is a repeated scene of a mob of sweaty angry head-bopping indian villagers running with torches and parangs while shouting profanities non-stop in Tamil. all chasing after one man.

this is why i am doing film next year.

[ KL.mari ]

2004-12-20T13:08:00.000+08:00

familiar voices are always a pleasure to hear.

okay maybe not loansharks.

i called my cousin zuL who is living in KL yesterday. man, it felt good. i haven't heard from the old bastard for about a year now. and Hari Raya felt dead without him around. i miss him, dammit. so yes. this trip to KL over year's end will most definitely be a blast.

speaking of KL i spoke to zamiR for the first time last night over the phone. the dude has a deeper voice than i imagined. one would expect him to have a slightly higher tone, what with the super tight jeans and all. heh.

dammit i cannot wait to get out of this shithole. it's been far too long and way too much. i need to relax so bad i swear i can hear joyous family laughter and hawaiian guitar strings whenever a plane flies over my office. bloody hell.

and it just dawned upon me that there's 12 days left till 2005.

i hope there's still time.

[ metrosex.me ]

2004-12-16T19:17:00.000+08:00

girls' clothes are so much better. so so so much better.

i just hope my mom won't put my new clothes in her wardrobe.

[ sweet.dreams.are.made.of.these ]

2004-12-15T14:27:00.000+08:00

i swear my head is absorbant. really.

for the past few days i've been having lots of dreams. very visual and very real, i must add. i don't know if it's because i'm always dozing off at work over many short periods of time, but every short nap would feel like an overnight sleep. but lately i've been noticing something rather fascinating/scary. if i were to fall asleep on a magazine or a book or a periodical of any kind, i'd end up dreaming about it. weird, yes. but for real.

i just woke up from my nap. and i dreamt of having a naughty three-way meeting with a very attractive lady boss that i'd like to meet one day and a white model who has the most inviting suggestive eyes. in the same dream. so when things got a little too happy i woke up just in time and realised i was drooling on a copy of a women's magazine.

funny enough the cover featured a model wearing a powersuit sitting on top a fax machine.

now i have never gambled before and i obviously do not intend to, but i'm pretty sure i'd be popular with alot of uncles and ahpeks if i start drooling on Punter's Way.

[ the.burp ]

2004-12-15T09:46:00.000+08:00

if you have been reading up you'd know that my office is actually a cesspool full of very strange characters. and now i've got one more to list. there is this old cleaner woman who comes into the office every morning to clear the bins and to sweep up the place.

she burps every minute.

i wish i was kidding. and i'll have you know that i'm always at the front of the office and she's usually right at the back. so for me to hear her burp into song every morning from that distance can be quite traumatising. and did i mention the burps are long and belchy? well, the burps are long and belchy.

speak of the devil there she goes again.

that's it. i shall call her auntiE*burP from now on.

[ tsk.tsk.tsk ]

2004-12-15T09:39:00.000+08:00

as if sleeping on the job the whole of last week wasn't enough, i am stretching my laziness, tardiness and incompetence and dragging them into this week.

but i'm still getting 50 quid a day.

i wish i'm on a beach right now.

[ leaving.on.a.jet.plane ]

2004-12-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

i went to the airport today.

and when i had to leave i stayed on a while longer. i've always loved airports since i was a little boy and it's nice to know i am still sentimental in that sense even after all these years.

i wondered around after the departure.

i saw a grown man sitting cross-legged on the floor crying on the phone in a secluded quiet corner of the departure hall. eyes covered, ticket in hand. he was alone.

you are already missed.

take care.

[ face.off ]

2004-12-06T14:39:00.000+08:00

THE EXCITING ADVENTURES OF FAI THE PSEUDO ESKIMO OFFICE BOY!

Episode #1: "Face-Off"

any afternoon at the office wouldn't be complete without a visit to the loo after lunch.

so after a good crap session i headed out of the male toilet only to find the evil grumpY*toileT*ladY staring dead-on at me. bucket of soap at her feet, mop in hand. i am not exactly sure if she was born the devil's spawn or crossed over to the Dark Side shortly after our first meeting, but it was with great malice that she uttered words of doom that not only made me quiver just a bit, but also shredded my manhood at the same time.

"Did you flush?", she said softly under her breath, eyes looking down on the tiled floor, holding the top of her sacred mop. she looked like a right chinese female warrior with her stance like that.

i swear i wanted to cry. for all my 23-years-old oozing machisimo's worth, i was virtually reduced to a 9 year-old. i stopped in my tracks and disgust soon overcame my senses at having heard such an absurd question.

"Err, ya lah. why?", i replied.

"But Auntie never hear water leh~"

"I did. You're outside what. How to hear?"

and with such venomous intonation that spewed sarcasm across the surrounding air molecules, she said, "Nebermind, nebermind.... auntie old whaaat.... cannot hear thingsss.... nebermind lorrr~.... if dirty auntie can wash AGAIN whaaat.... old people work so hard nobody care~~~.... "

[ due to strict internet laws, profanities has been deleted from this space to prevent legal action being taken against this website and its administrator. ]

grumpY*toileT*ladY : 1
Fai-the-Pseudo-Eskimo-Office-Boy : 0

[ where's.my.caffeine? ]

2004-12-02T17:30:00.000+08:00

something is really wrong.

i think mR.*magiC is not feeling well today.

had my two shots' daily dose but still i feel like lying down.

hmm.

[ stop.the.press ]

2004-11-26T13:26:00.000+08:00

stop the press.

it's amazing what goes into the newspapers nowadays. you'd probably think there isn't anything else to read about other than the party that's going on in Iraq, but may i just wake you up a little.

part of my designation at work requires me to search the news for all things relevant under certain issues and archive them as part of research and editorial use. hence the birth of my reporter/researcher alter-ego. but in true slacker spirit i will inevitably, more often than not, stray away from the current task at hand and will somehow end up looking at irrelevant pages with catchy layouts and visually-stimulating images. full-spread Triumph lingerie advertisements being one of them, naturally.

but trust me. apart from veluptous full-bodied women blessed with killer curves and godsent rumps there are lots of other stuff you'd love to know.

it's all in their right places but somehow i am that much terror than you to have discovered them first.

therefore, because i deal with useless-but-confidential information almost everyday now, i take it upon myself to bring you the latest and greatest from around the planet. and so from today onwards there will be another segment to keep up with besides The Amazing Adventures of Fai the Pseudo-Eskimo Office Boy.

i shall call it From the Fantastic Archives of Fai the Pseudo-Eskimo Researcher.

(there is no charge whatsoever but, if you must insist, i do accept private donations/personal appraisals/gifts of gratitude for making you ignorant mongrels a tad bit wiser.)

lookie wot i found.

FROM THE FANTASTIC ARCHIVES OF FAI THE PSEUDO-ESKIMO RESEARCHER!

Sensational News #1:
Salesman Jailed For Kicking Customer

"A household accessories salesman turned violent against a customer who had complained about not getting the item he had ordered.

Growing agitated after Mr Ricky Yeo asked to see his boss, salesman Lim Chong Yew kicked his customer in the thigh and also threatened him with two shower heads.

Yesterday, Lim, 32, was jailed for six weeks for criminal intimidation and causing hurt."

~ Pg. H3, The Straits Times, Thursday, November 25th 2004.

shower heads lah, fuck.

[ the.other.anniversary ]

2004-11-26T03:44:00.000+08:00

exactly one year ago on the night of Hari Raya a very special someone spat on my love and the 16 special months that came with it and threw it back in my face.

a big part of me died that night.

it went away and never came back.

you were everything.

but this is what i've become.

[ welcome.to.the.office ]

2004-11-25T15:07:00.000+08:00

humans, unlike animals, adapt.

and that is why i am no longer parading around the office wearing 3 pieces of clothing looking like kennY from SouthPark. it seems i have grown accustomed to the climate of the igloo over the past weeks. either that or i have literally grown thick-skinned.

oh by the way. i have found a new best friend.

his name is mR.*magiC.

he is the office coffee machine.

don't ever under-estimate the potency of mR.*magiC. he might have a rather unattractive model name and a somewhat streamlined exterior, but i'd have you know that he is one unforgiving mofo.

i give you two cups max before you start raving.

lately a series of subtle events happening in and around the office has somehow answered my question to why people would actually coop themselves in the same boring cubicle doing the same boring work in the same boring line for donkey years. one of them happens to be my dearest motheR*superioR, mind you.

i have concluded that it is not the work that keep these boring office types on track to a Long Service Award. it's the things around the work.

invisible to the naked eye are the funny little things that has subconciously made my days at the office a silent laugh fest. you have no idea just how hard it is to keep a straight face when you see the things i see.

so from today onwards, because i just love to skive off my assigned work, i shall chronicle all that is worthy.

i shall call it The Exciting Adventures of Fai the Pseudo Eskimo Office Boy.

this should keep me awake.

besides mR.*magiC, of course.

[ last.action.hero ]

2004-11-21T22:05:00.000+08:00

i saw a movie on Vasantham Central just last night and i have to say nothing can beat the authenticity and originality of Tamil action sequences.

the highlight of the movie showed a man being chased by a mob of angry, sweaty village men all clad in white buttoned folded shirts and matching sarongs all ready to kill him with spears, dagger, iron rods and other what-have-yous. just like any other last action hero, this superhuman mama fought off the whole charging army by himself. maintaining the fold of his white sarong, the brother was kicking open zinc roofs, jumping down from a five-storey building, climbing trees and breaking down doors.

all this with a knife poking out of his back.

respect.

[ trinity.of.inconvenience ]

2004-11-19T11:13:00.000+08:00

i never learn.

it's been three straight days now that i've slept for a total of only 8 hours. the last time i had to whine about the lack of sleep was during final assessment week. this is about the same kind of hell but without the stress. and art materials. yes it's the case of late nights on the Net. i wonder how much more rejuvenated i'd be if i didn't have a computer at my disposal.

i am struggling to keep my eyes open with the help of coffee but just who am i kidding. yes yes i should've known better. but anyone in my position would blame the trinity of Myspace.com, MSN and FIFA2005 for their inconvenience.

but in the chaos of trying to stay awake i have found my snakebite.

hate mail.

oh you have no idea what repressed disgust can do to your senses.

[ happy.grandparent's.what? ]

2004-11-18T17:29:00.000+08:00

oh did you know it's Grandparent's Day?

Happy Grandparent's Day to you then.

they gave away free postcards at the office today. ones with kids' drawings on them. kinda like how i used to draw when i was small. only difference is that i drew them uglier. and so i got a postcard for grandmA*funK. it just needs to be written. i am thinking 'I LOVE U NENEK' would suffice.

i am anticipating a series of cartwheels from the old lady when she gets this.

[ this.is.a.drill ]

2004-11-18T10:25:00.000+08:00

RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and with that my hypnotic journey to the subconscious realm was rudely interrupted. whatever it was, the stimulating mental image of a bedsheet-clad miss denisE*kelleR had to wait.

i can't remember the last time i had a fire drill. no, wait. Secondary 2. yes that's it. that was fun. and boys being boys we'd take the opportunity to run riot and create an emergency drill of our own. without any safety procedures whatsoever.

but the scene today was tenfold more organised and systematic, obviously. and these office people do it dead on automatica. it's as if all they do is vacate burning buildings when they are not busy with work. the parking lot where we all gathered to do a staff count inevitably turned into a social lounge. under the sun with no roof and asphalt for floor. there it struck me just how ugly, pale and repressed office life can make you look. and bland as well.

i was trying my best to comprehend the latest and trendiest in dull officewear fashion when i suddenly thought of random worst-case senarios if there was a real fire. it would be a real downer if you get stuck in the lift with a foul-smelling big fat delivery guy. and imagine what's left of your dignity if you get stranded in the copier room while having an in-out with one of the secretaries.

but of all the scenes that ran through my head i left out the most probable one. i was in the male toilet washing my hands shortly after the drill and a man conveniently came out of a faeces-stenched cubicle just behind me and casually asked what was the commotion outside all about.

at that very moment i stopped to wonder exactly how firefighters would react if they were to have found this imbecile's charred body with his pants down.

with shit halfway out.

[ i.am.so.not.concentrating ]

2004-11-17T16:04:00.000+08:00

having an appetite of the Tasmanian Devil and a stomach that is starting to have a mind of its own are probably be the worst things to fear. especially if you're the female of the species. but i run to you with open arms oh gluttony.

i am now in the office munching away kaK*hawA's insanely wikked chocolate chips cookies. it is by far the most chocolatey thing i've put in my mouth since Raya. before this it was a whole slab of papaya followed by a handful of kuihs she brought along as well. point is it's barely 3 hours since i had my full lunch. and i'm already thinking of dinner. how lovely.

sudden thoughts of jetting off to foreign land had once again interrupted my concentration and now i cannot be arsed to complete this editorial piece which i am obliged to finish before my day is done. over the weekend i found out that it only costs about $40 for a return trip to KL by AirAsia. whether or not i have been lied to my imagination has already ran riot and my mind has left the building. i am so flying to KL.

the rain has stopped. what lovely weather to play hockey.

HEH.

[ godspeed ]

2004-11-16T17:01:00.000+08:00

in exactly half an hour i will Godspeed the fuck out of this igloo.

i have a pair of tees on hold at a shop in City Hall and i will castrate the dude if he sells them off. i haven't bought anything for myself in at least 8 months so now is not exactly the best time to piss me off.

[ first.bite ]

2004-11-16T16:31:00.000+08:00

had my first lunch at the office today.

and i learned that getting back to work after a full plate is not the best thing any office person should experience. and so to keep myself awake i pressed 'extra strong' on the coffee machine.

i might as well join a rave party.

the caffeine kicked in so bad i was fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting.

i had to go to the loo 3 times. hence the cleaning lady thought something was fishy when everytime she knocked on the handicap toilet door a male voice shouts out 'ah'. and when i got out she gave me a look. by far the most grumpiest showcase of saggy facial skin i've seen this year.

she is grumpy. grumpy and evil i tell you.

i shall call her grumpY*toileT*ladY from now.

[ because.because.because ]

2004-11-16T01:52:00.000+08:00

sometimes the plainest of words put together can have such an effect. especially when you have included evolved numbness in your system for quite a while now and just look at things as it is. i took my time to analyse this.

why are u so nice to me?

because i love you and because i really care about you, that's why.
because if you were hurt once, i would want to heal you and take care of you.
because if you're empty, i would fill the void and make you happy.
because if you're alone, i would be by your side and keep you company.
because if you cry, i will cry with you.

because because because.

i read this from somewhere today. and i teared.

[ safe.day.celebration ]

2004-11-14T15:03:00.000+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya.

to me.

the early morning Hari Raya prayer event made me a solemn boy for a good part of the a.m., making me reflect on the whole year and all the naughty little things that made me the naughty little boy that i am now. it's been a while since i had a good backtrip.

i tried on my baju kurung today. stupid baggy pants. i look like MC Hammer.

i am curious to see how the whole family is doing and just what sort of comedy they will each present this year. every year is a laugh fest when the whole jingbang gets together. not because we are all closet comedians but because that seems to be the only thing we are capable of whenever there is a family gathering.

i anticipate random talks of house prices, Malaysia, diet vitamin pills, fishing, handphones and the current who's who in football.

at that point of time i shall be entertaining my ketupats.

[ galore ]

2004-11-13T23:40:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is Hari Raya.

finally.

my metabolism has always been a problem. and needless to say fasting for a month did nothing to make me look healthier/meatier/human. i am now the epitome of waif.

but surprisingly i had gone on a number of food escapades over the past week alone. stuffings that i could have treated myself to on normal days but was just too lazy or broke.

i had all these. in about a week.

dark, milk and white chocolate on the side. bananas, strawberries, marshmellows and banana bread in your face. fondue @ maxbrenner. proven aphrodisiac.

foreground: my caramel banana crepes with custard, chocolate drizzle and chocolate ice-cream. background: nanA's warm bread&butter pudding with vanilla sauce. @ marche. yes, we went apeshit.

the parmesan southwest steak&cheese footlong can really screw with your head. i was living proof.

if i had this sort of appetite before i would be oh so happy.

[ no.plans? ]

2004-11-06T16:53:00.000+08:00

i can remember once upon a time when i was really young i thought the best way anyone could enjoy themselves on a weekend was to go to town as early as possible, say around noon, and busk in the sunshine and the hustle and bustle of the inner city life.

15 years later and here i am at home on a Saturday with no plans.

God is great.

[ freezer.dreams ]

2004-11-05T05:45:00.000+08:00

when i took the job offer, no one told me i was gonna work in an igloo.

as if wearing almost three layers of clothing in the office everyday isn't enough, i am now the proud owner of semi-chapped lips. it's so goddamn cold i feel like i'm on foreign attachment in Iceland. they might as well shift us all into a meat freezer and save the trouble on decor. i spend more time with the hand dryer in the men's room than socializing with my colleagues. i am currently thinking of investing on winter wear. probably a puffy winter jacket, a thick scarf, a snowcap, snow boots and a pair of mittens. but i reckon i won't get past security. even if i do, i can imagine the stares i'd get in the lift every morning.

and it seems the cold conditions has escalated my tendency to mentally stray away from completing my work. everytime i look out the surrounding glass panels i'd look at the blue sky and fantasize about flying off for a week-long holiday. blue skies before the thunderstorm that comes after 2p.m., that is. and it has come to a point where i think more of airports than my research data. random images of sunny beaches, shopping, local novelties and stewardesses would follow suit. and for some strange reason there would be this Hawaiian guitar tune in my head.

i need to get out of here.

[ i.need.a.backrub ]

2004-11-02T06:05:00.000+08:00

i've never really been one for R&B but this track by Lil' Flip featuring Alea is just too sultry to ignore. oh that voice. and i heard the chica in the video deserves a standing ovation just for looking like that. oh you can be my sunshine anytime, alright.

i have a backache. and a neckache. i feel so lethargik i'm having fantasies of getting a backrub from Miss Alea already. and yesterday was only the first day of work. i dread to think of what physical inconvenience i will acquire after work today. eye cramps maybe.

took an I.C. photo last night for my temporary pass for work. stupid phtographer uncle told me not to squint when i wasn't even doing anything and now i look like a gecko. a brown one.

God i really need that backrub.

[ alpha.headache ]

2004-11-01T21:18:00.000+08:00

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z.

six hours of pure shelving. it's no wonder i still see alphabets and decimals.

i've got a bitch of a headache and my eyelids weigh a ton. each.

i wonder how my mum does it. and it's been 24 years for her, mind you.

urgh.

[ post.birthday.mortem ]

2004-11-01T07:53:00.000+08:00

and so the birthday weekend is over.

two days spent with my closest mates was exactly what i needed. i can't remember the last time i had dinner with that many friends. Geylang was a moshpit on Saturday, in pale comparison to the first visit on Wednesday. and it nearly took the life out of achaK. heh. Shark Tale was such a riot. it's one of those movies that you just have to see twice. and i plan to watch it again with a bunch of idiot friends so i can soak up the comedy one more time. nanA was in stitches throughout the show. as with some bald dude who was sitting alone next to me. look out for the two Rasta jellyfish. respeckt, mannn.

thank you for the nice dinner, nanA. i really appreciate it.

met mokeS yesterday for dinner as well. it's been ages since i saw the boy. had talks of his future plans and other things we missed out on. okay that just sounded very gay of me. either ways i missed his antics. i swear his chest hair is getting way out of hand.

oh. my bro got me a pair of slippers. now i can go down to the shops on a rainy day and not worry about losing balance.

anyways,

thank you all for making my birthday weekend a really warm one. and for all the well wishes, be it through SMS, a call, myspace.com or in person. it only comes once a year and it's guys like you who make growing older a little less painful to deal with.

thank you.

and now if you would excuse me i've got 2,000 books to deal with at my new office.

yes, work starts in about an hour.

[ happy.birthday.to.me.can? ]

2004-10-30T09:19:00.000+08:00

23.

yes. some ages do look old in print. odd as well. especially so when you don't feel associated with those digits. goodness gracious that number looks scary.

as with everything that has happened this year, i've decided to be a little extravagant about dropping hints. it seems that when it comes to my birthday my friends suddenly experience sudden memory lapses. all of them. and so i decided to go guerilla on them and include a gentle reminder in every mail, following the announcement of my new number. as it stands, i've got 14 well wishes already. and it's only 9 in the morning. i should have thought of this earlier. heh.

yes i have no shame.

not this year at least.

happy birthday to me, dammit.

[ something.corporate ]

2004-10-29T14:43:00.000+08:00

it has just occured to me that i have never worked in a real office before. as in those that have real cubicles and real file cabinets and real bulletin boards and real 'in' & 'out' trays. i never wanted to anyway. i've always had this thing against sitting in a 'personal work space' the size of a jacuzzi hot tub all day, slaving to complete the dealines before dusk with an ugly jacket to keep you warm against the unforgiving airconditioner. which can be adjusted. but that will all change come Monday.

i got the job.

and suddenly i'm a corporate support officer.

[ work? ]

2004-10-29T05:02:00.000+08:00

it is slightly past 4a.m. now and in 6 hours time i have an unnerving job interview with my mother's boss. yes i will be working in her office. no i will not be working as a librarian. apparently there is a great need to discard the backdated catalogues of books, records and archives and a whole lot of data entry as well. i offered myself to be a part of this mundane and unbelievably boring job circle due to the shortage of personal funding and the sudden rise in additions to the wardrobe wish list.

one of the things i had to amend immediately apart from my ridiculous sleeping habit was the current state of my hair. and you know just how anal i can get when it comes to this. i just had a trim exactly one week ago. but since my mum's reputation is at stake i now have a naked neck and a much shorter fringe. i look like jiMcarreY in Dumb&Dumber.

no wait.

i look more like his replacement in Dumb&DumberER.

needless to say my barber abanGpiT nearly threw a fit when he saw me walk right into his shop. he nearly turned me away last week when i wanted my first trim. told me my hair was at its peak and i should keep my money and come back a few weeks later. abanGpiT wasn't lazy. he really liked the hair as it was. now what we have here is a man of substance. one that deserves a medal for his stand on true art above financial gain. any other scissorhand barber fucker would have been glad to add another $9 to their cash till from the same customer in the same week. so you can only imagine the flames of fury in his eyes when he stopped shaving uncLEravI's sideburns. uncLEravI is the neighbourhood prata man, by the way.

i just stood there and flashed my dimples.

[ dendengs.and.gedongdongs ]

2004-10-29T03:32:00.000+08:00

i am a happy boy.

yesterday i saw my food fantasy came true in the form of a monster chicken kebab, a gorgeous beef Ramly burger and phat dendengs. i had all three of them in that order. it wasn't really planned, but i had that for sahur and it nearly killed me. by the end of the first bite of the last delicacy i could've sworn i heard angels telling me it's time to go. but i had waited nearly a year for it, so i just stuffed myself.

i believe it is only around this time of the year that i would fall in love all over again with my race. the whole bazaar was like a haven of sweet young things. everywhere i turn there would be an eye candy or two. or three. or four. since most of them were with their mums, one cannot ignore the impression that they would make lovely wives themselves one day. i cannot remember the last time i had that much eyeball exercise.

even the way home was quite a blast. i was scaring the shit off nanA when we saw a shabby old lady searching frantically for something/someone at 1a.m. in the middle of Toa Payoh. honestly i scared the shit off myself as well. i haven't had that kind of entertainment for quite a while now. the other safer form was nanA's digicam. i now have two videos that i shall use to amuse myself with when i am bored. late night dancing on an empty street should be made an Olympic sport. and scaring lonely AhPeks too.

if only the ahpek knew what was coming.

will give food for taxi.

[ a-Geylang.will.we.go ]

2004-10-27T08:48:00.000+08:00

later today i will step foot into a frenzy that is Geylang Serai.
and yes it's about bloody time the boys and i go out together as a band.
i just realised i haven't been there since the last Ramadhan.
dendengs. burger ramlees. ayam perciks. anak makciks.

it will be nice.

[ meta.waif ]

2004-10-27T06:30:00.000+08:00

i am worried.

it's been 12 days into the fasting month and already i look like stepheNhawkinG on a diet. any longer and i'd look like a runaway survivor of the Holocaust. this metabolism is getting too high. i reckon i'm burning it more than i stuff myself. and it's not like i don't try. oh i was the human rubbish chute when skool started, especially after the second term. everytime i sneak out of class it'd be a visit to the canteen to grab buns or sandwiches or those legendary jemput-jemputs the size of hand grenades. but despite eating about four times a day i still look like i need to sign up for a lifetime buffet membership. still, i am going to persevere through this season and make it three perfect years in a row. i hope my appetite doesn't leave me permanently.

no prizes for guessing why i look bad in Hari Raya pictures.

[ cool.it ]

2004-10-27T04:50:00.000+08:00

i swear there is a virtual conspiracy going on against Yours Truly.

i don't know what the hell is wrong with this laptop but it seems that there is a problem with the 'cooling system' and it's been driving me up the wall. everytime i'm sailing smoothly a prompt would come up and lag the shit off the system. but it works just fine when i'm just about to restart again. idiot prompt. shut down immediately and return it for service, it says. return it my ass. and myspace.com and its servers have restricted me from viewing almost everything since last week. everytime i click on something it just refreshes itself and displays a default search page.

toM better do something before he loses a digit off his friend count.

[ end.hiatus ]

2004-10-26T06:02:00.000+08:00

hmm.

where do i start.

the thing about having a blog is that you feel obliged to update every once in a while, if not everyday. looking at the last entry date i realised this new one comes 117 days after.

where have i been.

this automatically means that i have alot of recapping to do. under normal circumstances i would have sat down with a pen and paper and try to recollect these past 3 months as they were. and for the anal prick that i am i wouldn't be surprised if i were to meditate, just to remember the details.

but i can't be arsed.

all i can remember is that in the last 117 days i:

started skool
made a lot of new kontacts
nearly got a visit by the friendly lawyers of Starhub
dated
partied
had 3 hairkutts
got attached
became single again
had a video produktion
backtripped into the 80s
got rekonneckted with a new line
had sleep deprivation for 2 weeks
finished skool.

and now i am basically where i left off.

it has been f-f-frantik.

[ this.is.a.test ]

2004-10-26T03:26:00.000+08:00

since i am blog-illiterate, this is a first. Hello is the shit.

if only i own a digicam.

this is a breast. i mean, test.

[ hello.optimism ]

2004-07-03T06:52:00.000+08:00

droplets of Friday night rain on the window...

orange swirls on the purplish-blue morning sky...

18 sticks of Pall Malls to waste...

no wonder i've got a smile.

like a shout in the ear, i just realised it's already the third day of the 7th month of the year. common sense mathematics would lead us to realise we've only got 181 days left to prove our worth as productive beings. to be honest, i certainly haven't been the most progressive of my kind. not in terms of material gain, at least.

it just dawned upon me that this second half of the year will be more instrumental in determining my happiness on the last day of 2004. preferably ending off the year on a high. i imagine myself to be in the company of new acquaintances, close mates and best friends, all lost in merry-making with the help of our respective preferred snakebites and invigorating bodyrock pumping out from the technicolour setting...... with a special someone by my side, hopefully.

that, of course, is only how i imagined it to be.

i've got 5 more months to wish hard upon that to make it come true.

but as it is, June has just passed and here comes July. thinking back, i really haven't got a clue how i can sum it all up without being too vague. 'cos it really has been such a hazy month. there's only so much you can think of when the scale of shit and blessings are well balanced. i clearly remember i was living in a bad dream somewhere around this time last month. but now it seems the supposed swansong sounds more like one for a warpath. and boy does it feel good.

heaven knows if it's because of a change in the planetary configuration, or simply because i'm just optimistic by default, but i have to attribute this positive state of mind to the unexpected arrival of, yes, Miss*SparkLE.

no prizes for guessing that one.

in a month which started out like a scene out of a B-grade horror flick, her virtual presence really helped me get through a time of disorientation and mental transition. everytime. when everything around my four walls formed a blur, all it took to cast out the excess mental baggage was just a simple mail from her. just one. i know it sounds oh-so-pretty-you-just-wanna-cringe, yes...... but really, that's how it is. man, i can't even begin to imagine how it'd be like if she wasn't in the picture. i reckon i'd be running on placebos just to pass the time......

it's been approximately a month since we first came into contact, and i must say things are, well, very different now. let's just say i've never been this happy in such a long time. and we haven't even gone out yet. we've got so many plans...... and just about time, as well. her cast will be taken off later today and she'll be back in Singapore by Tuesday.

if only you can see the size of my smile right now.

it's gonna be one hell of a month, alright......

i guess it's that feeling of belonging. it's that familiar tingle you feel after wandering around searching for it for so long. it's that warmth only a certain special someone can give. and when it comes, you just know. you just bloody know.

i think mine has just arrived.

[ enough.dammit ]

2004-06-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

it's Monday.

and for the first time in a very long time i'm actually relieved it's a start to a new week.

7 days. so much shit.

England got knocked out of the quarter-finals...

my whole kitchen got flooded after the washing machine pipe burst...

wasted a highly-anticipated jamming session due to RosS' laptop malfunction...

a major financial setback that has got me staring at the possibility of working while studying...

... and other issues that add up to nothing but a big pile of shit.

did i do something wrong? did i offend someone? did i say something hurtful? did i forget to pay for something and walked out? 'cos i'm really really sorry if i did. but enough is enough. the past week has been hell. a subconscious slow one, at that.

but of all the shit that has occurred, the one that reeeeeeeeeally got on my tits is the one about my Miss*SparkLE.

she left for Indonesia last week to visit her grandparents and was supposed to return to Singapore after a week. but she got into an accident and now she's got a cast on her left leg. no, she didn't break any bones. it was a sprain. the mother of all sprains, that is. it's a fucking cast, for crying out loud. so obviously she had to postponed her return home. and with that our plan to meet up went *poof*.

2 weeks.

she has to stay for 2 more bloody weeks until her cast is removed.

oh it doesn't stop there...... no......

as if walking on crutches with hardened plaster on yer lefty wasn't bad enough, high fever and cough kicked in the next day. oh, and freestyle puking as well. every few minutes. no wonder she lost weight.

so here i am on this side of Asia facing my problems while my Miss*SparkLE is suffering inconveniences of her own. which affects me as well. and there's nothing i can do about it. THAT just tops it all off......

but somehow this whole shit fiasco has certainly done wonders for me and her with regards to our...... relationship. the mutual elation felt everytime we see each other's nick online is just amazing. we'd go about telling each other about our respective what-nots and what we did the whole day, in between random jokes, sudden teases and spastic laughs. logging off has never been this difficult. it's the comfort we feel and the cosmic repercussions that binds us closer. and no, we don't plan to get tired of it. it's our drug, i guess. so much so that it's the one thing that we both look forward to at the end of the day, the one thing that help us sleep so much better......

i've never felt so at ease. much less with a perfect stranger.

maybe it's been too long.

maybe it's about time.

maybe she's just that amazing.

well i just hope the shit stops here.
cos i've just had about enough of staring at the walls.
i have my first orientation day for skool tomorrow, for goodness' sake.

end hiatus.

[ england.my.england ]

2004-06-25T06:02:00.000+08:00

dammit.

dammit dammit dammit.

why?

why is it always my England?

just when you thought your team were on their way to a glorious win over a determined arch rival, things just HAD to fuck up. oh no...... they couldn't be a little more wiser and maintain their 1-0 advantage, could they? they just HAD to let it slip. and go into penalties.

i don't know if i got it all wrong here, but i believe somehow that penalty spot had everything to do with the loss of my beloved England. yes, that spot. i mean, what were the chances of Beckham doing another blooper like he did with France?

fucking portugese soil.

fucking groundsman.

fucking penalty spot.

and of all the players to determine the fate of my team, it just HAD to be the 'keeper, no? the fucker saved and then scored the deciding goal. wanker......

and to think i was gonna buy the away jersey. bah.

%@#&@%#!!!!

bloody portugese......

[ sparkleless ]

2004-06-18T15:39:00.000+08:00

and so i have been disconnected.

officially restricted of mobile outreach.

yes, Starhub just had to. and i blame it on procrastination on my part.

but somehow i'm not freaking out. and funny enough, i'm taking it quite well. under normal circumstances i'd probably have settled it within 24hours, just for security sake. but i guess i can't be arsed. i can't be arsed about alot of things nowadays, actually. which is a good thing. no...... a good change, more like it.

(suddenly solitary confinement sounds like a good idea.)

but it seems apt at this point of time that i feel a little empty and lost. cos today someone whom i've grown accustomed to, over the past weeks, is going away for a while. someone who has become...... dear to me.

i've only known Miss*SparkLE for slightly over two weeks now. but to describe what a joyride it has been...... i wouldn't know where to start. every single day eversince she came into existence had been such a blast. it wasn't a case of mad sugar rush, but i have to admit it seems somewhat instant, the way we connect. now keep in mind that i don't fancy being kept in the dark, and on any given day i'd just fuck it the minute the guessing game starts. i can't. i just can't be bothered......

but she...... she's got that something.

i don't know why i'm making a big concession for her. even after two weeks, i still haven't got the slightest idea just who she is. i've never heard her voice, never seen her picture, never whatever. and so it's not a surprise that my mind goes apeshit when i close my eyes and try to recall the faces of all that would qualify as a candidate. still nothing. yes, i am surprised at my determination. it's a first. to be honest, there were times when i just feel like a right idiot. but then again....

maybe it's because i haven't felt this sort of comfort for a very long time.

maybe my threshold of curiosity has reached an unprecedented level.

maybe it's the feeling of knowing something good is about to unfold and that patience is the key.

i have absolutely no idea just how long this will take and how it will turn out, but looking at the circumstances...... i should think i'm doing the right thing by not pushing the envelope. it would be a different story if she's doing it just for kicks, but i've heard her worries and i have to say that i understand how she feels. it's not easy to hold on to a kind of bliss that has for so long eluded you. i've been there. i'm sure everybody has. and so i think respecting her wishes is the best thing that i can do for now. having said that, i have to stamp on the fact that it has nothing to do with pity. or tolerance. i just know bloody well how it feels like to have a scar from a bad relationship.

and i have a handful of my own for show-and-tell, mind you.

(insert sincere "thanks" to The*NarcissisT, for fucking up my faith and confidence in love, here.)

nevertheless, the whole trip with Miss*SparkLE has been nothing short of a spectacular broadband supernova, where imagination is fully utilised and feeling high is a constant staple. smiles are a surplus, too. if it's this good now, just think of how fab it'd be when we finally meet. sweet.

someone please sedate me......

[ now.i.need.a.hot.cook ]

2004-06-15T12:21:00.000+08:00

i've just got off the telly.

and boy am i hungry.

and bothered......

i just watched Forever Summer with Nigella. Nigella Lawson, that is. man, that woman shouldn't be allowed on lunchtime television. no, no...... she shouldn't be on television at all. i mean, how are we, the hungry kitchen-stupid audience, supposed to concentrate on how to prepare simple ricotta pancakes when the woman actually looks MORE delicious (with her curvy figure and her voluptuous... ) than her ingredients or the main course?

she is the real main course, by the way. damn producers.

but just like all things big and small created by God, Nigella has her little imperfections to remind her that she is not the goddess she coined herself to be.

she has this little...... "thing" about her that, frankly, is starting to get on my tits. i noticed she loves alot of things. and you'd be surprised just how many times she uses that word in her half-an-hour shows......

"i just LOVE the distinct flavour of the strawberry sorbet when it melts in your mouth..."

"i just LOVE the way the vanilla cream just blends in perfectly with the richness of the coffee truffle..."

"i just LOVE the shape of the bowl and how it compliments the whole outlook of the dish..."

"i just LOVE The.Bedroom.Show... i'm a really big fan of the site. and i just LOVE the.boy.with.the.bedroom.hair as well... he's just so LOVEly... is he seeing anyone?"

and the list goes on and on......

and she's got this thing about using the seasons and nature as part of her descriptives. summer here, spring there, breeze here, clouds there...... enough already. she speaks with such a defined accent sometimes i can't even take it. it gets just too much after a while. she's prim and proper, though she has to set an fine example as she is a mother of two. a proud one at that. but please. too much a good thing can really spoil the whole lot, mate. i wonder how her friends can stand her upper-class flair. i wonder how the camera crew deal with her as well......

but then again......

......i must be one hell of a sucker for her to remember all this.

which i am, by the way.

'cos i just LOVE Nigella Lawson......

[ sunday.void.deck.madness ]

2004-06-14T07:57:00.000+08:00

i love weddings.

i honestly do.

i think they're the bomb. just the thought of it is enough to get me daydreaming about my own and how it'd be, right down to the very last detail.

now i'm not being biased or anything, but i really love Malay weddings.

man, you've got to love the ambience.

the rows of dishes lined up at the buffet table...
the guests mingling and socializing...
the cooks brewing up a killer Ayam Masak Lemak at the back...
the dishwashers slogging it out, wishing they're somewhere else instead...
the timeless Malay slow rock ballads a.k.a lagu orang kahwin...
the hoards of families arriving, baby prams and all, in sychronised ambush all at once...
the mother and father of the bride becoming super socialites for the day...
the kendarats handing you those eggs in those passe ceramic glasses...
the kompang army wreaking havoc in the neighbourhood...
the bride who can't feel her legs cos she sat for wayyyyy too long...
the groom fantasizing about tearing up his baju pengantin with his keris because he's sweating like mad...
the silat maestros feeling-feeling pendekar infront of the pelamin...
the grannies doing background checks, asking anything and everything about the newly-weds...
the grandpas having their personal take on the Government and debating on what is wrong with the U.S...
the womenfolk, with their showcase of blinding gold jewellery, freestyling gossip about so-and-so and recommending the latest and greatest in cosmetics...
the shades-wearing pakciks talking about property prices and the current state of Manchester United...
the guys trying to tangkap hansem while checking out the kebaya chicks...
the kebaya chicks trying to maintain vouge while taking food cos know they're being checked out...
the kids running all over the place and playing fencing with their bunga manggar...
the babies fast asleep in their mother's arms cos they've had enough of milk...

...... all this going on while some Karaoke-addict belts out a feel-good hit on the rented soundsystem. and the poor git doesn't know everyone thinks his voice sucks.

i love weddings.

i honestly do.

[ quarter_life.crisis ]

2004-06-14T03:55:00.000+08:00

as if i didn't feel old enough celebrating AchaK's 19th birthday on Friday, i got slapped by reality on the other cheek yesterday.

there i was getting dressed and doing my hair when i realised...... God, i'm going to my friend's wedding.

NuruL's wedding.

at that very instance of realising it's a major life event for her, flashbacks of the first time we all knew each other came flooding in. the times we hung out together with the rest of the group, celebrating our birthdays, going out for movies and stuff like that. most of the images in my head were of us still in our respective skool uniforms. that was 6 years ago.

6 years.

goodness fucking gracious me.

the whole surrealism was further enhanced when i saw her on the pelamin. she looked really beautiful. tudung and all. i haven't seen her in eons, and to see her as she was just now...... i just couldn't believe it.

what happened to the skool-skirt-wearing teenage girl that i knew?

wasn't it just a few months ago that we first went out as a clique?

is time really that supersonic to pass us by without we realising it?

well, she's a grown woman now. all happy on one of the biggest days of her life.

the whole time i was at the wedding i was back-tripping. so many familiar faces from my past in a multi-purpose hall in the heart of a district that used to be my second playground. SafuaN... HasnaH... HanA... SardineS... FazriL... and a number of acquaintances. but the one person that i was expecting to see couldn't come. IzrinA had to work, and so she couldn't make it to the wedding. it was through her that i knew everyone there.

3 years being with her brought alot of good memories back. even the ride home on bus 157 seemed so familiar. i bet my ass i've sat in that same bus before. the journey made me reflect on alot of things. Jurong West still looked the same and it still had the same homely heartlander's comfort that i felt everytime i came to fetch her or send her home.

and for the rest of the journey i felt like a 17 year-old again......

i guess everyone would go through this at some point of time in their life, realising that age is not necessarily just a number. it still baffles me how the human memory bank works. more like an insurance payout, if you ask me. it just sits there all the time and you forget just how much you had, until one fine day the maturity date arrives and you get a whole lump sum right smack into your lap. kinda like how this is.

now i'm starting to wonder how i'd feel......

...... if i received an wedding invitation from her one day.

yikes.

[ what's.my.age.again? ]

2004-06-12T10:30:00.000+08:00

witnessing one of your best mates step into his last official teenage year does make you feel that much older. especially when you were born a good few years ahead of the boy. looking at it now, i'm not sure who has it better.

it still comes as a surprise to me sometimes that AchaK is the youngest among us. fuck me, i can't think of any of my mates who just turned 19. had a small dinner get-together for the boy. though it wasn't really planned, it was still nice nevertheless. kinda like a last-minute surprise. and we all know how last-minute ideas work out better than planned ones.

you could see the silent contentment he had on his face when he blew out the candle. he joked that he'd wish for more patience and a better perspective on life. so typical of our beloved. always thinking of improving himself. but then again it doesn't come to much of a surprise. the dude has never acted anything like his age, as far as i can remember. like as if he's already in his twenties. good lad. a role model for kids his age, i say......

he's got a good head on his shoulders, that boy.

i hope he finds the kind of happiness he's been looking for......

bless.

[ i.need.a.hot.nurse ]

2004-06-10T03:19:00.000+08:00

i've been sick for 3 days now.

real sick.

now i remember why it sucks. i reckon it's got something to do with the fact that i haven't slept the night before i went to JB, plus the excessive fagging (i still haven't finished the two hardpacks that i bought) and the Causeway air. it really feels like hell, ver2.0, when you can feel your eyes all warm and teary. but thank God the fever's gone and the flu subsided. all that's left to deal with is the cough (from hell). i don't know if it had anything to do with my being sick, but i really have got to do something about my sleeping habits. it really is a phenomenon. i haven't seen the daylight since Sunday. been turning in at 7am/8am then waking up probably about 14 hours later...... for the past three days. tsk tsk tsk.

i haven't shaved in days. i look like a lab rat.

a mexican lab rat.

arrrriba!

but somehow, somewhere along the way i found a new spark. no...... more like she found me. which makes it all the more magical. let's just call her Miss*SparkLE, shall we? received a message on myspace from her one fine day. last Wednesday, to be exact. Vesak Day, i still remember. turns out she's a barrel of laughs. online. i can't really put my finger on it, but somehow the connection just seems so familiar. i keep asking myself if she's actually someone i know, someone who doesn't want me to know who she is. just had my first chat session with her just now. it was a real pick-me-up. she's got a custom-made imagination, that girl. with a really nice name to boot. very...... sparkly. heh. she introduced me to a song that i'm starting to get addicted to, i told her i couldn't swallow big caplets and at the end of the session we were merely reduced to a couple of whacked-out asses lying flat-out on a field of flowers, giggling and laughing our hearts out while staring at the flawless fat blue sky, trying to catch our respective clouds to hug. not bad for a first time. the feeling's just......

*smiles*

well, sparks and mexican lab rats aside, somehow i feel like i'm onto something good. i can feel something's round my way. like all the pleasant things that were suppose to come are finally on its way. though i can't really use my nose at this moment, i can smell the bliss of a new life that should be here anytime soon. where everyday's a day i'd want to replay again and there isn't a limitation to my bliss. i don't really know why i feel this way, but that's how i feel at this very moment. this is limited edition positivity we're talking about here. which is nothing but a good thing. i just hope i'm not smelling something else......

maybe it's due optimism.

maybe it's the medication.

fucking hell, maybe it's just ABBA that i'm playing right now.

all i know is that it feels good to be here.

disco rocks.

[ someone.please.stop.this.rollercoaster ]

2004-06-08T01:15:00.000+08:00

i'm beginning to feel tired of this.

tired of hoping.

things are going nowhere for quite a while now. everything's fading, i guess. and yesterday was kind of a really big sign. no, no...... Saturday was a really big sign. yesterday was a confirmation.

and today is an affirmation.

came across something just now. read it. it got me thinking. and then i understood.

i finally understood.

when you have tried your best to show how much you really want things to work, you just can't help but throw everything out the window when you bump into bad reality checks time and again. i don't like to give up. never did like the idea. but somehow i know this would save me from alot more heartache. i've learned my lessons. things could have been different for her. at least she'd know how it feels to be really adored. but i guess she's got her own plans. and her own choices. so there goes everything......

and to think all this while she's the first person i felt so much hope for......

"i would walk away. would you? i will try to forget. would you? its not the same, bro. i dont have feelings for her.. you do. a person with love is more patient." - RosS

sometimes we just can't see the clear, simple things...

[ where's.the.rewind.button? ]

2004-06-07T07:20:00.000+08:00

what a day.

the weather was fine. the gig was good. buying a hardpack of fags for RM$4 was better.

but travelling out with 10 of your buddies, some of which you haven't seen in what felt like ages, just has to take the cake. God, i miss them. especially DzooL, NanA and FarinA. FarizwaN and YammiE were a really, really nice surprise addition. AbU and IsmU proved to be the best people to have senseless humour with. and then who else but my boys AchaK, Wan*G and ShahroM. i would have missed a brilliant day if i had chose to continue rolling in bed instead.

i think the only time i ever went to Larkin was when i was a wee-boy back when the Woodlands Checkpoint looked like a bloody post office. i can't even bloody remember if it was fucking Larkin, for crying out loud.

the gig was within walking distance at this (believe it or not) swimming pool off some long road that further led to..... i dunno..... Hell, maybe. the venue wasn't too bad. i reckon it's about the size of The Guiness Theatre. the turn out was pretty alright, considering u had to pay RM$12 to get in. but the lack of crowd response made it a little dull for NAZARK, i guess. then again, can't expect much when you're the 2nd band to play, can you? and so the boys did their thang.

a little different this time without Khai on the mic.....

.....and so, in his place, AbU screamed his lungs out, Wan*G jumped off the amps, AchaK was rolling on the floor, ShahroM didn't miss his timing throughout and DzooL broke the snare stand after smashing the drum set even before the end of the first song.

the boys did their job, alright.

after the gig we headed to have dinner and the rest of the evening led to more laughs and stupid jokes. even at the dinner table we'd still be at it. especially when it came to Wan*G. he'll be a Tekong boy later today, see. so out came the tease. sad to see him going away for 3 weeks, but i really hope he'll enjoy his time when he's there. and the rest of the night went was lost in merry-making......

but it would have been all the more spectacular if only Miss*DoLL had come along. it'd have given us the real bonding we needed...... to get closer. asked her a couple of times. she said she'd call. guess she wasn't interested. waited for her call the whole night even after i bumped into her...... with a fren. but she didn't even messaged.

if only.

God, i can fall asleep at a drop of a hat right now. my legs feel cramped, my back hurts and my eyes are nearly rolling out of its sockets. but it was all worth it. it was one of those days that you'd just wanna rewind right to the start and do it all over again. looking at the big picture, we didn't do anything much. we just went to a gig and had dinner. and it wasn't just because the gig went well, or that it's been a while since i went to JB...... but it was mostly because of the company of good old friends whom i haven't seen in ages.

it felt so damn good to start the day with lotsa smiles, mad laughter and random humour...... and to only stop when it was time to say goodbye.

suddenly it feels like there's some of May left still lingering around......

[ run.riot ]

2004-06-06T07:30:00.000+08:00

in a matter of hours i'll be waiting for a bunch of guitar-swinging, drumstick-throwing, spasmatic yuppie mathrockers at Kranji MRT Station to catch the bus to the Causeway. i reckon it'll be another waiting game.

finally i get to go to a gig out of here. Larkin, they say. how coincidental. we never stop doing the J.B. bus conductors' final-call.

"ah, Larkin, LARKIN!!!"

and what better cause than to see my mates in action. i haven't missed NAZARK's first two gigs since DzooL joined the noise. and i don't plan to miss any either. even more so now that ShahroM's my bassist @ FRONTLINE.

so up north we will go......

..... and a riot we shall see.

[ may.the.force.give.me.a.break ]

2004-06-06T07:00:00.000+08:00

i don't know how to say this, but i'm starting to feel that June is not gonna be such a wonderful month. although we're only into the first week, it seems that things are starting to turn out bad. as in downhill. 6 days can really change the way you feel inside out. suddenly all the things that you thought were rosy and dandy are slowly morphing into something ugly and scary.

i've never really had my eye on months, but i can't help noticing the recurring patterns that certain months show over the past few years. and yes, i do notice these things.

as how i've noticed it to be (so far)......

January has always been a facade of new beginnings,
February has always been a month for a lot of new fuck-ups,
March is when the shit subsides a little but keeps me hanging,
April is a month of personal adjustment and hope,
and May is the month when everything pleasant suddenly bursts into a stellar surprise.

but June.....

.....June is when i keep my fingers crossed.

to say that May was a wonderful month is an understatement. it was more than wonderful. it was fucking brilliant. it's the month where you realise that Devine Intervention has got everything to do with the tons of new people you've met, the new things you've discovered, the new confidence you felt and also the new love you found. yes, May is my favourite month. at least now it officially is.

but now May has passed. then like a scene out of Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, one thing after another started to go a little awry. from relations with friends to the subtle realisation about a certain someone. things i never thought were there suddenly popped up like mushrooms. fuck-off big Shitake ones. like i couldn't see it coming. maybe they're right. maybe i've got to get a grip. maybe i've got to realise that i need to change. all-in-all, a kick in the groin that serves as a wake-up call. i have yet to figure out which side of the bed i will roll out of.

i don't know how i'm gonna get through this, but i just hope i can find some residue of May to help me deal with them. nothing life-threatening, but it still gets me staring at ceilings......

[ all.systems.go!! ]

2004-06-05T03:49:00.000+08:00

this feels weird. really weird.

eversince i first heard about it, i could've sworn i was an anti-blogger. to the core. i just couldn't understand the bloody concept. and honestly, i didn't want to.

well let's just say time has its way of changing you...... and it did a real bang-up job in this case.

so here we fucking go......